Recently, many of my male friends have found themselves being dumped by their girlfriends. Not
uncommon I know, but after later discussing the situation with their ex'es, a common thread did appear.
A recently released book called something like, 'He's Just Not Into You'. All of the ex-girlfriends had
read this book which told them to break up with their guys. What's up with this book!?!?
Dear Duck & Cover,
Yes. Sadly, we have heard of this book. We too know of fellow (and future) victims
of this vile, evil text.
Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys'
hottest dating advice book for women since
of the 90's. What makes
this new book so hot? Well, for starters, it's authors are two writers of the
female popular show, 'Sex in the City'. After a little talk show circuit action
AND the office cooler talk, it's not just popular gentlemen, it's now a plague.
It's been #1 on the New York Times Hardcover Advice Best-Seller list for 7 weeks
now, and it will get worse before it gets better.
What's the message of 'He's Just Not That Into You'? Basically it's, if the guy you're seeing is not
doing EVERYTHING Prince Charming would do from day 1 of the relationship, then he's just not THAT into
you so you shouldn't waste your time and move on. The book is written in a question and answer format so
let's look at some examples.
The 'But He Gave Me His Number' Excuse
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me
to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me
control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?
Dear Control Freak,
Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic
trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with
you ? or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour
milk in it, and make it disappear.
'Give me a call.' 'E-mail me.' 'Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime.' Don't let him trick you into
asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like
women, they ask them out.
The 'Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games' Excuse
This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't
care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a
square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?
Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out
with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please
don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you
might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of
Or maybe you're the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded
when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved
it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising
loving children ? sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.
I'm dating this guy who told me after the first date that he can't be monogamous. He doesn't believe in
it. I slept with him anyway. Then I realized it would be hard to date him, so I told him I couldn't go
out with him. But then I missed him. So now we're doing this weird thing where we hang out, go on dates,
and then have these cuddly 'sleepovers.' I sleep over at his house and we just cuddle. It's so nice,
Greg. We make dinner, watch television, laugh. It's really sweet and I feel so close to him. He doesn't
try anything and we just enjoy each other's company. I know I'm not supposed to expect anything more,
but I'm feeling like his girlfriend, and you never know where this could lead. It feels so great to stay
over and wake up with him! Is there anything wrong with this?
Dear Slumber Party,
Let me see. It wasn't hard enough for you to hear that the person you are dating doesn't want to be
monogamous. But then you slathered on the extra hurt by continuing to see him while he may be sleeping
with other people. So now you're feelin like his girlfriend, but without any of the perks. Not even sex.
What kind of weird science experiment are you doin with your emotions? Don't get me wrong, Madame
Curie--I know it's nice to have companionship and wake up with somebody that you really like, but that's
what pets are for. Pets are God's way of sayin, 'Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.' Clearly you
know yourself well enough to know that you aren't cool with sharing your man, and by the way... you
shouldn't be cool with it. You deserve a boyfriend of your very own who you feel safe enough to have sex
The old-fashioned idea is that women withhold sex when they want power. It seems like men can play that
game too. Why buy the cow when you can get the intimacy for free? Oh, it's so simple. If a guy is happy
lying around in bed with eating cookies and watching old movies, and he's not gay, then he's just not
that into you.
Chapters also end with a lovely bit of ego boosting and encouragement:
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
- An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.'
- Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
- If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
- Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and
last through time for a reason.
- 'Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house' is not a date. Even if you live in New
- Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
- You are good enough to be asked out.
So the point here Men is BEWARE! This book is out there and will be consumed by
a woman you're seeing soon. This book is targted at a particular group of women
those with ticking clocks. The purpose being to focus a woman like a laser at
the first guy she can marry and make a daddy as soon as possible. The quality
of the relationship takes second seat here. We all know that a quality relationship
will not be apparent in two weeks. It should also be pointed out that the woman
as well as the man is equally responsible for cultivating the relationship from
the beginning. The flavor we get from this book is the same as Internet dating.
Picking a 'product' from a shelf and looking it over, but putting it back if the
slightest discomfort appears. People are NOT products. Relationships are not easy.
If you want a quality long-term relationship then communicate and work at it.
If you find a dead link in this past column
please help us and other readers by reporting it in the
form below. If you know of an equally useful working link please include it.