My Fiance Ignores My Sexual Needs but Jerks Off to Internet Porn?!?!

Dear Couch,

I have a problem, I am engaged to a wonderful man and we have a great relationship.  The one problem we have is sexual, and it is an ongoing problem.  He takes medication that effects his sex drive, and it has gotten better, but at one time in the past he was masturbating to the internet and ignoring me.  There was some stress in our lives at that time, and supposedly the problem was worked out.  Well, now, months later, we got our own computer, (the previous one was our roommate's) and the first day he had to be alone on the computer he got on all of these teen sex sites and masturbated.  I found out because they sent e-mail to him.  I was completely devastated and really upset.  I am very open-minded sexually, I've been with women before and we watch pornos together often.  But his sex drive isn't the best, and so it upsets me when he has a drive to masturbate.  I need some advice, and we have talked about it together, but I need an outside opinion.  Thank you for your time.


Dear Waiting in the Wings,

The most important thing you can do is talk to each other. There's nothing we can say that is more important than that, so keep doing it. You mention that your fianc� takes a medication that can affect his libido and that he ignores your sexual needs while attending to his with visual stimuli. Damn right you should be pissed! His sex drive is obviously not diminished enough to prevent a little solo action, which, if you had previously mentioned your needs to him, he should have stopped and sought you out. Self gratification is a right in our opinion but when you're in a monogamous sexual relationship, you also have a responsibility to your partner's sexual needs.

So tell him again, in very firm words, that you don't care if he jerks off to internet porn, video porn, or even two cute little fuzzy squirrels humping under a park bench. As long as he cares about your needs and gives them priority. Sounds to us like he's being a lazy bastard. It takes a lot less effort for a guy to jerk off than to have sex with his partner. The two of you need to focus on mutual sexual release for a while and leave the solo action alone. If he can't or won't stop ignoring you as he continues the masturbation routine then demand some couples/sex counseling before any marriage vows are uttered. One self-help title we've heard good things about is Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy, in Emotionally Committed Relationships. Whatever you do, evaluate these problems now, before you marry.

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